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Jon and his car

I'd like to return to a story I started in the previous blog entry. And, just for the fun of it, let's do it cartoon style so that a car is able to speak, and has emotions of her own. This story is purely fictional, is not based on people I know, and no machines were harmed in the making of this story.

It is the last lecture for the day, Jon sits barely listening, lost in his dreams. Yesterday he bought a set of shiny hubcaps, and installed them. His car is more beautiful than ever, and sure they will have good time driving up the road, and down the streets and lanes. When the lecture is over Jon rushes to his newly rented carage and swings the door open, shouting;
- Hey, sweetheart, my shiny beautiful car! Nice to see you! And now for the best moment of the day - let's go for a drive! Yeah yeah yeah!
- Hmmpph...
- Oh, is something wrong with you?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Hmmphhhh.... [mumble] yes - sure - I mean, no.
- You mean yes or you mean no? Just say it out - you know how much I love you, so if there is something wrong with you, I'll fix it.
- You'll fix it, you say?
- Yes, I'll fix anything for you! Just for you, you are my only one! My life and happiness depends on you!
- And you would get hurt if I quit?
- NOOOOOO! Don't quit! Baby please don't quit! Without you my life would be nothing! Nothing but pain and emptiness. Baby don't quit me!
- Well, if you are that desperate, would you kindly please check my motor oil?
- WHAT! Are you threatening me? Blackmailing! This is not fair! I've been so caring, and giving all of my love to you!
- Hmmph...
- Yesterday I gave you those shiny new hubcaps, and the day before that I handwashed you all over - touching you everywhere with such a delicate passion. Isn't that enough?
- [mumble]
- THIS IS NOT FAIR! I give my everything, and you just say that it is not enough! Why are you always demanding so much!
- [sigh] I need my motor oil. My engine hurts.
- This is outrageous! OUTRAGEOUS! Look at all the shiny things I gave you - why should I mess up with dirty black motor oil! I can't even see it, as it is well hidden inside your engine. You are asking me to guess your hidden needs and then somehow magically fulfilling your invisible desires! That is NOT FAIR! Why can't you be happy with all the visible, shiny, nice things I bring you!
- Listen, Jon, I'm serious. You say your life depends on me, OK, and I like you too, I like your very much. But the thing is that my life also depends on the motor oil. My oil level is running low, my engine hurts, and I feel my engine is about to break down. Which means that I'll die. I ask you to check the oil, and you get mad. I can't take this anymore, my options are either to die in your hands, or then quit you and go someplace else where people understand my basic needs and are both willing and able to keep me alive.
- I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! You have found someone who is better at taking care of you! I bring you everything, and that is not enough for you! I see, very well! You want to quit me and go to an another man. And I'll go back to black. All the time I've been afraid of this day, and now it is here. I knew it. I'm not enough for you, my abilities and skills aren't enough to keep you satisfied, and you have found someone who is better than I am. Snif. Where's my bottle of whiskey?
- JON! Listen to me, now listen to me! Seriously, and honestly, try to listen to me. The message is simple: check my motor oil and I'll be happy. You said you'll fix me anything.
- Oh, when I said "anything", I didn't literally mean it. I didn't mean some dirty things I know nothing about. And I know nothing about checking the motor oil.
- And you don't want to learn how to do it? We have been together for nearly a year, and I'd guess I'm not the first car you own. Sure you would have had plenty of time to learn how to check motor oil. But instead you have just been bringing me all those external decorative stuff, completely ignoring my fundamental inner needs. You only care about my outer appearance, while you understand nothing about my inner workings, and you aren't even interested to learn. So why do you own a car with an engine? Go buy yourself a toy car, something which is there just for the display, but has no engine inside.
- That hurts! Of course I need a car with engine, that is the whole point! A car without engine goes nowhere. And the point is to enjoy a ride, to go to places, go to meet the others, and to drive up and down the streets so that everybody sees how beautiful car I have.
- If that is what you want, you have to learn the basics of maintaining the engine. I have already told you so many times - SO MANY TIMES - that I need my motor oil checked, and you never listen. Because you don't really care.
- BOHOOOO! SNIF! [gulp - a sip of whiskey, no, two, three, four sips of whiskey]. If you want to hurt me, then just go on. I always knew that you are completely ignoring my love, care, affection, devotion and dependency. Why do you ignore me? Why I'm not enough just the way I am?
- Because a car needs motor oil. If you want to be with a car, you have to learn to understand the basic needs of a car. Simple as that.
- But I'm not a car. I'm just a man! It is not natural for us men to mess up with dirty engine oil! We understand nothing about invisible secret hidden tricky all emotional inner workings of a car engine! Why you have to be so illogical and over-emotional! Come back to your senses! We men just take the life in a simple way. I bring you accessories, you be happy, we go ride!
- It doesn't work like that. It might be that you don't have motor oil inside you. But your life depends on eating food and water, and I understand that. So why can't you learn to understand my basic needs?
- But I refill your fuel, that is the same as me eating and drinking, no?
- Yes. But you have to understand that I have other needs to, like the motor oil - it is vital and essential for my survival.
- Blah! There is no such thing as motor oil! I have checked you everywhere and I haven't seen any oil. You just say that it is inside your engine, but that is just your imagination. You need fuel, and you need accessories, and that should be enough!
- Now are you ignoring my basic needs?
- Nope. I'm just trying to tell you to QUIT THAT OVER-EMOTIONAL FOOLISH NAGGING ABOUT MOTOR OIL! COME BACK TO YOUR SENSES, BE RATIONAL, GO TO A RIDE WITH ME, AS I SO MUCH NEED THE RIDE, NOW, WITH YOU, MY ONLY ONE! [gulp gulp gulp of whiskey]
- No more are you in a condition to drive. Don't drink and drive.
- Yeahhh, aaand tatss all yoor fault! YOOOR FAULT! why you do thisss to me! You, you, you tricky bitccch!

And at that point the car slowly releases her parking brake, waves for good bye and drives to the seashore. And for the rest of the evening the car stands there all alone, with her feet in the water, watching the sun set.

---

EDIT: Oops, I accidentally wrote a sequel.

tags: 
fictional
humorous
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