Hehe, I'd guess if some of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, they'd think "Nope, it was Erkka who was the bordenline case" =) And I pretty much agree, no problem.

One year I saw a professional psychotherapist once a week. As I wanted the therapist to understand the background and causes of my problems, I went on describing both the overall atmosphere and certain events of my childhood - all with a calm voice, everything clearly analyzed. The therapist looked back at me and said "I don't understand why you are not crying when you describe that kind of experiences." Sigh - to me it was like he was saying that he lacks professionalism to understand my situation...

I mean, of course, it is normal and typical that people with traumatic childhood events tend to behave in a certain way, and break into tears when recalling the memories of some of the most painful events. But when it gets severe enough, a person becomes numb and disinterested. Nothing feels like anything anymore; ones own life feels like wathcing a boring b-grade movie; a crappy plot unfolds on the screen, you can describe the events but the story feels alien to you, there is no sense of immersion.

And I was kind of a hoping that the therapist could understand the severity of my depression, and offer me some help in recovery. Well, luckily, he was of some help. And the next year I switched to another therapist, which was far better suited for my needs.

I think that depressive symptoms can be triggered by a wide variety of things. Often they share some common elements, like a prolonged feeling of being neglected by the significant others. But, this blog post was not intended to be about the causes of problems. This was all about the survival instinct, hope and recovery. Be it slow or be it quick - and sometimes out here everything hurts, but the only way to get through is to keep on walking.